'How to Feign Interest in Babies'

'How to Feign Interest in Babies'

If you're one of the people who, like myself, would rather sit through a Pauly Shore film festival than change a diaper or make baby-talk with some tiny, drooling creature who understands less spoken English than a D.C. cab driver, this can make for some dreadful social visits.

The situation isn't helped by the fact that, to non-breeders, all infants resemble grizzled Western actor Walter Brennan. Or that new parents are eager to interpret your reaction to their offspring, often creating a situation as painful as labor contractions.
. . .
What I'd like to say to them is this:

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, dear, new parents. But not having reproduced, I'd be hard-pressed to develop less interest in "meeting" new human beings until they develop language skills, personalities, toilet training, working neck muscles or any of the other prerequisites for socialization. Call me when the kid is ready for high school, and we'll talk at great length."

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