Mother's Day Expectations in England

See what you're missing?

A humourous look (see what I did there? English spelling) at what Mother's Day means to one English writer. More than that, though, is the more honest look at what motherhood can do to a woman's body, mind, and life in general.

But stretching your vagina the customary five kilometres is a doddle compared with what comes next. Cracked nipples, constipation, mastitis, mountains of haemorrhoids (Edmund Hillary couldn’t scale those devils). But no matter how bad it gets a mother can’t escape because she’s tethered by the breast. Dad can nip off to the pub, but Mum is a 24-hour catering service — meals on heels.

Then there’s the sleep deprivation, the sex deprivation — because kids are a contraceptive. Every time you are in the mood to make love, the baby wakes up or the toddler toddles in. (Parents only need one sex tip. Vaseline — on the doorknobs.) But what new mum wants to have sex? While men are keen for the tumbling in the hay to recommence six weeks after childbirth, mothers want to tie up the sheaves and put them in the barn. Especially if they’re also trying to juggle kids and career without dropping anything.

I'm sure it's still quite worth it for many women, but it's still nice to know the code of silence is being broken on the aspects of motherhood that wouldn't make such a nice Kodak moment.

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