The perfect parent trap

The perfect parent trap

Polls show that the views of these proud non-parents are on the ascendancy. The Pew report noted that most Americans now disagree that childless people lead less fulfilling lives, only a minority regard children as very important for a successful marriage and fewer than four in 10 believe that the trend toward intentional childlessness hurts society.

Such statistics can comfort infertile couples weary of impertinent strangers hounding them about their failure to be fruitful and multiply. But the 'child-free' movement and its increasing acceptance in American culture portend something more serious than a relaxation of social pressure to procreate. They signal a serious shift in the way we think about child rearing, from regarding children and the sacrifices they entail as a natural part of life to seeing them as extraordinary, even unreasonable burdens.

It's a subtle shift, not easily detected amid our pop culture's self-conscious celebration of children. The childless-by-choice crowd complains that we live in a 'baby-crazed' and 'kid-centric' society, and in some ways, that's true. Pictures of Brangelina's newborn twins fetch $14 million. Reality TV shows like '19 Kids & Counting' score ratings gold. Parents spend themselves into debt to give their children everything from designer baby clothes and exclusive sports camp experiences to the latest tech gadgets. Parenthood today is an expensive, exhausting and angst-ridden enterprise, perhaps more than ever before. Surely we must love children if we focus this much money and mental energy on the project of parenthood.

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BBC News - The women who choose not to be mothers

BBC News - The women who choose not to be mothers

Julia Wallace, at 40 a step-mother to three children who live elsewhere, says she is questioned about why she has no baby of her own.

'They say, 'you don't know what you're missing, you won't know until you've had a child that that's what you wanted to do'. That's a hypothetical question - if you've got no motivation to have a child in the first place, why would you do it? I wouldn't chose to become a nurse on the chance I might love the career once I get there.'

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Family-friendly working practices can cause resentment among child-free team members Human Resources - News | HR News | HR Magazine | hrmagazine.co.uk

Family-friendly working practices can cause resentment among child-free team members

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Married . . . but without children - Local News - News - Wentworth Courier

Married . . . but without children - Local News - News - Wentworth Courier:

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Adults only summer holidays | Easier

Adults only summer holidays | Easier

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Child-free life suits an increasing number of professional women | Business | Dallas Bus...

Child-free life suits an increasing number of professional women | Business | Dallas Bus...

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To have or have not? The baby question - Other Views - MiamiHerald.com

To have or have not? The baby question - Other Views - MiamiHerald.com

I think no study can capture how transcendent parenting makes you feel, but this data certainly points to an unmistakable reality: Modern parenthood is hard. Our expectations -- especially of ourselves -- are so much more complex and demanding than they used to be. They're leaving us exhausted.
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[The childfree] have social groups such as No Kidding!, that lend themselves to the kind of spontaneous weeknight outings that parents no longer enjoy.
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The kid-free lead rich lives full of pleasures many of us procreators miss: Leisurely weekend mornings! World travel! Regular sex!

Yet there's a tendency among parents to feel sorry for the childless, whether this status is by choice or circumstance. Non-parents face the inevitable ``you don't know what you're missing'' comments. They get dropped off guest lists because moms and dads mistakenly assume they don't like little ones.

And, if they're a celebrity such as Aniston, they get a five-year pity party on the cover of OK! and Star magazines.

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'Non-moms' find child-free terminology offensive

'Non-moms' find child-free terminology offensive

"''Childless' has such a depressing connotation,' says Danielle M. Stern, assistant professor at Christopher Newport University in Virginia. 'Some women and couples are actually choosing to be 'childfree.''
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Though it may seem like trivial semantics, Stern says the language used by a society is indicative of its values.

As child-bearing is brimming with gender and family politics issues, couched within larger class concerns, she says it's important to call attention to rhetoric 'so that we can move toward more inclusive language in both policy and popular culture.'

Pamela Tsigdinos, who spent more than a decade trying, unsuccessfully, to conceive with her husband, says the term 'childless' has become a 'legacy reminder of that painful period.'

She finds the jauntier 'childfree' no more respectful, with its implicit message of embracing liberation from a life of parenting — a sentiment often expressed by those who've chosen not to have kids, but rare among those mourning the loss of the family of their dreams.

Parents have similarly taken offence at the modern term's uprising, as 'childfree' bears a negative insinuation that anyone with kids is somehow tethered down in life.

Though Tsigdinos wishes people weren't identified by child rearing at all, 'non-mom' is her trope of choice for now.

Why would the childless and childfree need to use the same term? Childless is an appropriate term for someone who wants to have children, but has not yet, or can't. And they do indeed feel that there is something missing from their life. I'm not sure why the objection to childfree is there. I thought parents admitted that they were tethered down by their kids? I do understand those who have children in their life, but are not parents, preferring childless by choice. So let's each just use whatever term we prefer to refer to ourselves. Or, shun categorization altogether if you prefer.

After all, it is about choice, isn't it?

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Child-free life suits an increasing number of professional women - KansasCity.com

Child-free life suits an increasing number of professional women - KansasCity.com: "- Sent using Google Toolbar"

"The fact that nearly one in five women does not have a child of her own is an enormous transformation from the past," said D'Vera Cohn, coauthor of the Pew report "More Women Without Children."

A look behind the numbers reveals more of what this trend reflects - a generation of women who are not necessarily choosing career over kids but rather finding that time has passed and their focus has been elsewhere. Women are starting businesses in record numbers, advancing in corporate arenas, and blazing career trails in male-dominated industries. They are the bulk of people getting advanced degrees, and they are getting married later in life. Many of these women say they are happy and fulfilled. Some are juggling as many time demands as me, a mother of three. Others have come to peace with their life's path.

Read more: http://www.kansascity.com/2010/07/13/2079767/child-free-life-suits-an-increasing.html#ixzz0tsRJSEie

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Voluntary childlessness "unnatural" and "evil"

Voluntary childlessness "unnatural" and "evil"

But after writing a lot about the abortion debate in the last couple of weeks, I'm struck by the similarities between the vitriol Vernon reports and typical anti-choice rhetoric. She receives "terrifying" letters and e-mails calling her "selfish ... unnatural, evil." She is "now routinely referred to as 'baby-hating journalist Polly Vernon.'" Ring any bells? How about this -- men more than women, Vernon says, often respond by becoming "aggressive, sneering ... Perhaps the idea that there are women at large who are not actively pursuing their sperm is an out-and-out affront to a certain kind of man. The same men who have spent years believing that all women secretly want to trap them into commitment and fatherhood, probably."

This is what we need to remember when men like William Saletan, Ross Douthat, and even our president go on about finding "common ground" between pro-choicers and anti-choicers. It's a lovely idea, and if I believed for a second that the organized "pro-life" movement would actually get behind improving access to birth control and emergency contraception, not to mention teaching honest and comprehensive sex ed in schools -- measures that would actually, you know, reduce the number of unintended pregnancies -- I'd be thrilled to sit down and chat. But the controversy is not just over when life begins or whether a fetus has human rights. The controversy is over women controlling their own fertility. It's about whether we have the right to decide for ourselves if and when to have children, whether we're autonomous human beings with full rights or if our primary purpose on earth is to birth and nurture the next generation. When you're talking about abortion, specifically, you can muddle that basic issue with questions about fetuses' rights. But it becomes crystal clear when you take the fetus out of it: A woman says she doesn't plan to have children and is thus taking measures to prevent unintended pregnancy indefinitely, and she gets the very same load of crap: She's unnatural, evil, mentally ill. She obviously can't grasp the gravity of the situation. If she follows through with her plan, she'll inevitably regret it and perhaps even suffer from depression for the rest of her life. It's our duty as a society to convince her she's wrong.

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Childfree Couples on Good Morning America (Aug 2007)

I'll be posting a series of videos from news programs in case anyone missed them the first time they aired.

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Childfree Couple on Tyra Banks (Oct. 2009)

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Doctors deny mom's tubal ligation

Cnews

They are decidedly young -- she's just 21, he's 23 -- but it is obvious that they are focused and determined to create a good life for themselves and their growing family. Seymour is five months pregnant with their second baby, and while her family wasn't thrilled with her early parenthood, she always knew she wanted to have her children early and Sylvester agreed. "I want to be young with them," he says. "I want to run in the park with them, stuff like that."

They also knew that with two children, their family would be complete.
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To ensure things unfold as they should, they asked her obstetrician to tie her tubes during her planned Caesarean section in October so they won't have any more kids.

"No, I won't do it," Dr. Kayode Ayodele told her unequivocally. "You're too young."

A tubal ligation was simply not even open for discussion. He told her that she might get involved with someone else down the road and regret her decision. He told her it's a permanent sterilization method and he's had so many patients wanting it reversed, that he won't even consider performing one now on any woman under 25.

Seymour and Sylvester were shocked.

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It takes guts to say: 'I don't want children'

The Guardian

Last week, [Cameron] Diaz proved herself especially sensible. I'll go further. She was wise, insightful, right.

The actress told Cosmopolitan magazine that being a woman and admitting you didn't want children is taboo. "I think women are afraid to say that they don't want children because they're going to get shunned ... I have more girlfriends who don't have kids than those that do. And honestly? We don't need any more kids. We have plenty of people on this planet."
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[In a previous column,] I talked about how weird it is to be disconnected from this baby-crazy culture. Like being sober while everyone else is drunk. I talked about how strange it is to not even care whether or not I'm infertile, when apparently it's all anyone else thinks about.

Was I antagonistic? Possibly. I tried not to be, but I am passionate about this. I was certainly a bit sensational, a bit flippant. The headline referred to the rise of the "dummy mummy" generation - an inflammatory turn of phrase.

The reaction to the piece was terrifying. Emails and letters arrived, condemning me, expressing disgust. I was denounced as bitter, selfish, un-sisterly, unnatural, evil. I'm now routinely referred to as "baby-hating journalist Polly Vernon".
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I've registered a gender split in the way people respond to it, if it comes up socially.

Women might think I'm in denial, but they let me get on with it now. Men, meanwhile, are astounded. Flummoxed. They become aggressive, sneering. They psychoanalyse me, they try to work out what's wrong with me. Who knows why? Perhaps they feel rejected. Perhaps the idea that there are women at large who are not actively pursuing their sperm is an out-and-out affront to a certain kind of man. The same men who have spent years believing that all women secretly want to trap them into commitment and fatherhood, probably.
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Here's the thing: we need to stop pretending that childlessness isn't happening to us. It is. The birth rate in Europe is in steep decline. We know this. We know that, currently, 40% of UK university graduates aged 35 are childless and that at least 30% will stay that way permanently. We know that much of this childlessness is involuntary or, at least, unconsidered, the consequence of infertility, a lack of opportunity or leaving it too late.

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You Are Never Going To Make Everyone Happy With Your Womb, Ever

Jezebel

Like Polly Vernon, I also do not intend to have children. And as soon as I wrote that last sentence, I felt the need to qualify it with the following truths and explanations: I adore children, I work with children frequently, I plan to continue working with children and children's organizations, who knows how I will feel re: having children in 15 years, there are mental illness issues in my genes that I'd rather not pass on to children, etc. I don't discuss this around women attempting to conceive, I don't talk about with anyone, really, except my fiance, who is on the same page, and the one time I did let it slip around my mother she warned me never to speak of such things, as I may regret it later. This is standard for any woman, I suspect, who makes any statement or decision regarding childbirth (or lack thereof) ever.

Women having many children are criticized for being selfish, stupid, neglectful, a burden on the system, etc. Women who have the "ideal" number of children are criticized for deciding to go to work, deciding to stay home, deciding to have children before a certain age, deciding to have children after a certain age, etc. This is nothing new and nothing surprising, and though I understand Vernon's frustration, I also think that even if Polly or I chose to have children, we'd still be faced with a truckload of judgmental bullshit from people who have no business interfering in our choices.

"Childlessness is going to be a feature in many of our lives; we need to start seeing it as a choice, a valid option, rather than a failing. We certainly need it not to be taboo," Vernon writes. Being childfree does not, contrary to popular belief, have to equal a never-was. Does it "take guts," as Vernon argues, to say that you wish to remain childfree? Sure. But perhaps, in some weird way, the shock and outrage aimed at Vernon's announcement is actually validation that this choice doesn't remove us from women who choose to have children as much as place us in a strange state of solidarity with anyone who has been challenged, questioned, or judged based on what they choose to do with their reproductive system.

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Childlessness Up Among All Women; Down Among Women with Advanced Degrees

Pew Research ReportFYI Readers, I made a brief appearance on yesterday's Wendy Williams show. Both Wendy and the mom blogger agreed that there's nothing wrong with choosing to be childfree, making my job pretty easy.

Over the past few decades, public attitudes toward childlessness have become more accepting. Most adults disagree that people without children "lead empty lives," a share that rose to 59% in 2002 from 39% in 1988, according to the General Social Survey. In addition, children increasingly are seen as less central to a good marriage. In a 2007 Pew Research Center survey, 41% of adults said that children are very important for a successful marriage, a decline from 65% who said so in 1990.

As for the impact on society, attitudes are more mixed. About half the public -- 46% in a 2009 Pew Research Center poll -- say it makes no difference one way or the other that a growing share of women do not ever have children. Still, a notable share of Americans -- 38% in that 2009 survey -- say this trend is bad for society, an increase from 29% in a 2007 Pew Research survey.

Compared with other developed nations, childless rates in the United States are on par with some nations and higher than others, according to data compiled by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development. Among women born in 1960, 17% in the U.S. were childless at approximately age 40, compared with 22% in the United Kingdom, 19% in Finland and the Netherlands, and 17% in Italy and Ireland. Rates ranged from 12% to 14% for Spain, Norway, Denmark, Belgium and Sweden, and from 7% to 11% for several Eastern European countries and Iceland.

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The Real Reason More Women Are Childless

Slate

Conservative histrionics aside, women who have abortions aren't the ones causing the uptick in childlessness. After all, 61 percent of women who have abortions already have one child. And according to a 2004 survey by the Guttmacher Institute, most childless women who have abortions say they are open to the possibility of having kids under different circumstances. However, that doesn't mean that the passage of Roe v. Wade had no impact on the upturn in childless women. Defense of legal abortion led feminists to create a national discourse around the concept of "choice," which helped legitimize the decision to remain childless. This created a space for women who never wanted children to embrace their true desires.
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Part of this new self-awareness might mean that women are forsaking motherhood because we're finally admitting that it isn't all it's cracked up to be. As last week's New York magazine cover story documented, parenthood is becoming increasingly miserable because of the exploding expectations placed on mothers—making the child-free lifestyle seem all the more attractive. In 1988, only 39 percent of Americans disagreed with the notion that the childless "lead empty lives." Now a majority—59 percent—disagree that childlessness automatically means you're unfulfilled.

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Oregon State study says having fewer children is best way to reduce your carbon footprint

OregonLive

Some people who are serious about wanting to reduce their "carbon footprint" on the Earth have one choice available to them that may yield a large long-term benefit - have one less child.

A recent study by statisticians at Oregon State University concluded that in the United States, the carbon legacy and greenhouse gas impact of an extra child is almost 20 times more important than some of the other environmentally sensitive practices people might employ their entire lives - things like driving a high mileage car, recycling, or using energy-efficient appliances and light bulbs.
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In this debate, very little attention has been given to the overwhelming importance of reproductive choice, Murtaugh said. When an individual produces a child - and that child potentially produces more descendants in the future - the effect on the environment can be many times the impact produced by a person during their lifetime.

Under current conditions in the U.S., for instance, each child ultimately adds about 9,441 metric tons of carbon dioxide to the carbon legacy of an average parent - about 5.7 times the lifetime emissions for which, on average, a person is responsible.

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